Once your trust is eroded by an affair, even small lies can be really triggering, because they remind you of the betrayal you experienced. However, if your spouse points to other people to justify why they cheated, your relationship might not be worth saving.
This might be a dealbreaker no matter who they say is to blame, though. The collective wisdom of those who have been in your position before can give you insight into possible next steps. Still, these numbers show that marital infidelity is not a relationship death sentence.
This leaves a lot of marriages at risk. Ultimately, it is up to you and your husband or wife to decide whether you will be able to survive this betrayal, find forgiveness, and preserve your marriage.
Actually, the answer depends largely on whether or not the extramarital affair comes to light. Remember the APA study we talked about in the last question? On the surface, these numbers seem a little bit surprising. Furthermore, when a cheating spouse admits to an affair, it usually means that the affair is over. By confessing to the infidelity, the unfaithful partner is often indicating that they are ready to live their life in a committed relationship once again.
If their spouse can find forgiveness and also move on, then there might be a lot of hope for the relationship yet. Luckily, there is an art to affair recovery, and there is a recipe for feeling better, forgiving your partner, and moving on with your life. Currently, the Gottman Institute founded by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman is beginning a randomized clinical trial to test the effectiveness of what they call the Trust Revival Method , in which the stages of healing from an affair are described as Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment.
Brandon Santan , a licensed marriage and relationship therapist practicing in Tennessee. Because Grant's husband worked with the woman he cheated with, this was more complicated.
Being cheated on is damaging for a plethora of reasons, but one big factor that needs to be addressed in order to move past it is lack of honesty. This level of transparency needs to continue for as long as it takes to build that trust back up again; something that Elle says was key to her healing process. He told me where he was going and who he'd be with. Seems humiliating in the short term, but he understood that that was how he was going to rebuild trust," she says.
Your gut reaction might be to blast your partner's indiscretions across social media for all to see, which Travis McNulty , LMHC, practicing in Florida says is a common coping mechanism. But telling everyone in your inner circle can end up backfiring. Grant found support by creating a blog, The Betrayed Wives Club , to connect with others who were also victims of infidelity — a support system she says played a large part in her healing process.
Our culture lacks real understanding around how devastating infidelity is. It can be really painful to share your secret only to have someone respond, as a friend of mine did, 'Well, I wouldn't put up with it. After an affair, it can be hard to know what to do or even where to start. If the conversations you're having with your partner feel like they're not getting anywhere, consider working with a licensed therapist who can help guide the process.
I tell couples they are going to have to bury that first relationship and think about starting a brand new relationship with each other. Grant and her husband eventually sought couples counseling after they had each worked with separate therapists.
We have a lot of fun together, he's a much more hands-on father. Therapy helped him work through a lot of childhood grief, so that his own feelings are a lot more accessible to him. Their ability discern what is real gets damaged. To try to repair this, Derhally says the person who cheated needs to be completely honest, even if it will seemingly hurt their spouse more, since continuing to hide the truth can cause even more damage.
Handing over email and social media passwords can be another sign of trustworthiness. Of course, technology can make it possible for cheaters to continue behaving badly without leaving a record by deleting apps from their phones or communicating with affair partners through things like Snapchat. If they're willing to get out all their repressed stuff and learn how to communicate better, that certainly can be a help. The cheater also needs to not only take full responsibility for the betrayal, but to show patience and understanding that healing from their actions is a long process, Cilona says.
Finally, the couple has to essentially recreate their relationship. Amatenstein agrees. But couples who do decide to separate after an affair can still benefit from therapy, especially if they have children. SELF does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
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